you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
