I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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