So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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