shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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