what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
