you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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