i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize