and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Did you pee in the oven last night??
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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