Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
