Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize