That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
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