Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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