He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
