Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Four minutes until I can fart!
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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