I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
