I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
