that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I just found puke in my bra..
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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