my mouth tastes like poor choices
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
