i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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