I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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