The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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