People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
