Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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