I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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