he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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