Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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