I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
