I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
