You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
