she looked like the before picture.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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