Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize