i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
