god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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