im drinking this country out of the recession.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
