Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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