i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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