Whod you bang
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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