life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Randomize
