remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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