My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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