I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
