Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
