so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
