so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
