turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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