I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
