I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
