I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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