I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
3pm strippers are depressing
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
