I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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