She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
