Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
