Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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