Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
