well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
My butt remains clenched, sir.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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