You just made me feel so damn special
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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