If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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