note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
