Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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