Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
