Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
