when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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