we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
